The Path of Your Life is Bound within and Encouraged by Relationships
The Path of Your Life is Bound within and Encouraged by Relationships
Change is difficult. A sentence that should be faced with immediate groans at the statement of something so obvious. Yet, because it’s seemingly so obvious, what the statement is actually referencing can get lost or not even explored. It is the refrain of almost anyone faced with the perception of insurmountable challenges and is based on a narrow vision of one’s resources. As such, it becomes an aphorism much like “easier said than done,” which is not only simply a tautology serving as wisdom but often is used to dismiss effort.
From learning a new skill and changing careers to losing weight, change is that curious process that feels difficult at the beginning and seems to collapse under its own impetus when completed. Consider, for a moment, change is only identified as hard when facing it, but is often taken for granted when it has already happened. The power of change is at once both large as a mountain and light as a feather, dependent almost entirely on perspective.
We don't often consider how much of our life has already gone through enormous change. Our bones have knit themselves anew over and over again as they grow, new skin rises to the surface again and again throughout our lives, and behavior that once seemed so clearly appropriate at one stage of our life is, later in life, deemed silly and absurd. The lightness of change that has already passed can often give us a false appraisal of how difficult it felt at the time, and, in reverse, when we ignore how much we’ve already gone through and focus on the present, the seeming impossible change we’re facing is considered too much. Further, and here we get to the heart of why viewing change from the self-first perspective, we are all too often blind to the fact that we never went through the process alone.
Change doesn't exist without connections to and with others. Whether it was that friend in grade school who was a balm in the midst of bullying, an encouraging teacher, or the lover who taught us a new appreciation for intimacy, the change process weaves in and through the relationships of our lives. This can be difficult to see, as our thoughts contribute to personal narratives that have at their center...us. Ken Wilber notes:
"The point is that my thoughts themselves arise in a cultural background that gives texture and meaning and context to my individual thoughts, and indeed, I would not even be able to “talk to myself” if I did not exist in a community of individuals who also talk to me." (Wilber)
We can all likely attest to the experience of having a voice in our head that we associate with someone other than ourselves. That moment when the "voice in our head" that is mother, father, sibling, coach, or friend, is not cause for alarm; it is a recognition that our lives are relational, even to the building of our "own" thoughts. The internalization of other perspectives shared with us is truly as close to a superpower as any of us will get outside a comic book. We are carrying around the capacity to shift perspective by taking on the perceived experiences of others. There are, of course, a lot of potential problems here (not least the many varied problems of bias), and as such, these and any other thoughts should be held in the space of humility. However, it is still a source for exploring alternatives with little expenditure of effort.
Relationally-Directed Change
For many, change can be encouraged and helped along by being involved in some form of mental health therapy or coaching. As the relational component of so many of the change processes in our lives are forgotten or ignored, therapy essentially brings this truth front and center. As I’ve noted previously, mental health therapy is not uniquely capable of helping facilitate change because it’s therapy; it’s, in fact, helpful for bringing about change because it’s a focused relationship with a clear goal in mind. It practically screams in its initial formality of paperwork and goal-setting that your personal journey will not be done alone.
The following is advice for relationally-directed therapists, but it serves as a reminder to everyone:
"Start by realizing that it isn't useful to label a client as resistant, says W. Bryce Hagedorn, an addictions counselor in Orlando, Florida. The resistance, he says, comes from the client-counselor relationship - in particular, how a counselor approaches change." (Meyers)
What may appear as resistance is part of the therapeutic relationship, in particular, how it deals with the issue of change. Too much pressure/pushing from counselor to client or client to counselor to take responsibility for the change process is essentially to ignore or deliberately remove oneself from the relational flow that change requires.
"Because the therapeutic relationship is so crucial to the counseling process, a counselor cannot go forward without gaining the trust of the client, says Vegges-White, a past president of the Association for Adult Development and Aging, a division of the ACA." (Meyers)
Trust cannot exist without an acknowledgment of the mutually held space that is the therapist-client connection. Therapeutic theories will speak of "transference," but this is simply another name for what is inevitable in any relationship: a weaving of perspectives to build a new narrative from which effective change can emerge.
This is why some relationships don't work out, whether therapeutic or in other forms. Rather than viewing the process as a mutual care-taking of generating flexibility of outcomes, one or the other person attempts to, in some way, "take the reins." As I'm sure horses can attest to, they don't like a bit digging into their mouths, and it doesn't take much imagination to consider that people don't either.
This notion of control or power struggle is often at the heart of seeing dialogue as some form of warfare, a lobbing of thoughts back and forth at one another. The therapeutic relationship, in its healthy form, can serve as an example of what any relationship can be. Starting with the recognition that change of any kind occurs in a relationship, the question to ask yourself and the other(s) involved is: what path are we supporting one another on? Be clear, be specific, and be open to shifting as the environment and the nature of what you build together evolves.
When considering relationally directed change, it's important to remember the process being pursued. There is a very real sense in which the person who begins it is not the same person who moves along and eventually completes it. There is something new in your life, and that is the perspective of having trudged up a mountain and seen the feather that it turned into on the other side.
Resources:
Meyers, Laurie. Counseling Today. January 2016. "Scaling Client Walls."
Wilber, Ken (2011-08-18). The Eye of Spirit: An Integral Vision for a World Gone Slightly Mad (Kindle Locations 533-535). Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition.