Success Isn't Pie, Celebrating the Wins of Another is Sharing in their Humanity
Success Isn't Pie, Celebrating the Wins of Another is Sharing in their Humanity
Triggers are an integral part of the behaviorism at the heart of our humanity. We, as evolutionarily embedded and part of the material universe, respond to perceived data, internal and external to our bodies. Mentally, a trigger is a perception inspiring an automatic emotional and cognitive assessment. Externally, triggers are any act or situation that provokes a perception, which means literally everything, though admittedly not always at the conscious level. Importantly, what we perceive never holds the entirety of a situation. Our perceptions are funneled through a predictive system for two purposes: managing limited resources and maintaining an internal coherence/consistency of action. We only see what fits within a worldview. From this, a trigger is as common as the air we breathe and the blood coursing through our veins. Unfortunately, because our minds evolved to be more wary of potential suffering rather than pursuing potential enjoyment, triggers get associated with what leads to heartache and uncertainty. A lot of difficulty results because we do not separate our perception and accompanying cognitive assessment from the event itself, instead getting caught in a static feedback loop of trigger-emotional hurt-rationalization-confirmation bias.
Down the Rabbit-Hole
Our stories or personal narratives provide the structure for our perception. They guide the selected parts of a situation to support a particular trigger's continued empowerment. Combine this with the human need to feel each and every opinion is right, and the result is an enormous barrier to individual change. Ruminating, spiraling, or obsession are only excessive forms of actions we all do. An event happens, we're triggered, the story we have about it reinforces our response and that behavior inevitably supports the whole process. We simply don't act unless doing so supports our narrative about the situation we're in.
Focusing so strongly on negative assessments from triggers can result in moving away from self-reflection. The external object, whether event or person, bears the burden of responsibility, and we place the burden of our future emotional well-being on it. Lost is the other side of the relationship, that of the person doing the assessment.
Pushing Away Suffering
Pain is inevitable; suffering is the product of recurring focus. To get rid of pain is a fool's errand, but suffering can be mitigated when we see our own role in its perpetuation. When triggers are viewed as inherently negative, and we cease questioning our role in the perceiving end of the relationship of suffering, the result is an abdication of any responsibility. The other person holds all the cards and possesses all the power. Everything they do carries with it an inevitable connection to our hurt and limitation of self.
In one very common modern attempt at turning the table, the other person ceases being a person in their own right. Gone is any potential for understanding the nuances of decision-making or how a person is more than one act/thought/emotion. Absent is any consideration of enlarging one's own view of the situation. Instead, responses are automated and centered on demanding the dismissal of the narrowly perceived and defined offensive act. Further, like with the expansion of anxiety, anything associated with the so-called “negative” trigger must be removed. This, regardless of any functionality or worth, the action of the other may have.
This isn't an excuse for horrible behavior. This recognizes the varied relationship between an act and our reaction to it. When the perception of the hurt person is all that matters, simply by virtue of their suffering, there is no room for critical thinking, critical reflection, or personal responsibility. Personal growth is removed from the space of resilience and into a place of safety.
When safety takes the place of resilience, when the inherently biased perception of lived experience is all that matters for evaluation, even the successes of another get funneled through an obsession with lack and a simplistic binary of oppressor/oppressed. The result is that even the positive achievements of another become a source for envy and a need to dismiss, if not outright destroy.
Removing the Positive
A person who strives to better themselves is not concerned with the perceived grievances of others. Nor should they be. Engaging in exercise and losing weight to contribute to a greater self-image is not a knock against those struggling with eating disorders. Working hard to achieve business success is not a mockery of those who are poor and disenfranchised. Simply having been born in a family with greater access to societal resources is not an inherent slight against those who weren't.
An exclusive focus on being negatively triggered by looking at success and achievement diminishes the legitimacy of any work that went into those results. Further, it closes us off to a more nuanced look at the systems in place that facilitated personal progress.
Moving from Value
We can maintain or regain a sense of empowerment without dismissing or belittling what another person has done. This involves turning back to the other player in this drama, your own self. Nobody gets upset about something they lack concern about. Flipped on its head, we only get triggered by the perception and evaluation of things we care about. Here is where strength can be found:
Identify the core Value being violated (or supported).
Reflect on why this Value is important to you.
Assess whether what the other person has done takes away what you Value.
The easy answer to that last question is: it doesn't. What the other person did is far less important than you being a person who Values what is important to you. Further, by reminding yourself of what's important, the space is open to search out what may be learned from the other person's successes. You may not want your life to look completely like theirs, and this, in some circumstances, is exactly right, but there are many ways to express through your own behavior an appreciation for what you Value.
Learning to support that Value leads to flexibility in thought/action and expansion of what you’re capable of. What greater result of seeing the success of others would there be than being inspired to succeed yourself?