The holidays bring out a great many of the internalized stories we’ve taken in from our sociocultural background, not least if you’re at all drawn to the Hallmark channel. The pressures from family, loved ones, work, all coalesce around various needs to show up in service to what matters to us, our Values, but in ways that are expected rather than necessarily personally desired. No where is this more prevalent than where it concerns intimate forms of relationships and the questions that come up about their future.
These stories around the holidays generate a great many feelings, which can sometimes be difficult to manage in light of all the expectations placed on us to show up in particular ways concerning the type of relationships we’re in. It’s not enough, often, to be single, you must be “with” someone, and then it’s a slope of familial and social expectations towards what that relationship is going towards.
Whether the feelings we’re navigating are stemming from social and familial expectations, the stories we’ve taken in from everything we’ve absorbed in our lives, or are coming from our own reflections (I’ll clue you in, it’s always a combination of all of the above), the hope for a new relationship, whether to begin or to move along to a new “better” form, is first and foremost structured around ideas we’ve likely not thought all the way through.
What is happening when we have "feelings" for someone? Feelings are an immediate assessment and judgment and contain all our inherent biases. You can't get rid of thoughts or feelings, but you can adjust how they may show up in the near and far future. Importantly, particularly for the teenagers amongst us and those who, weirdly, look fondly on those years, feelings require no particular behavior or action. They just exist, sitting there yearning to be acted upon, but by no means are they requiring you to do so in a particular way.
How should we respond when we have that experience? Ethics play a role in how we respond. Often there is the question, I'm attracted to this person, what should I do? Again, there’s no requirement of behavior based on a particular feeling.
How is the person responding to you? Would your attention be welcome? What should we expect from the other person? Feelings do not require a response from the other person. Nobody is under any obligation to respond in a particular way, and certainly not in the way you either hope for or even expect.
Your feelings are yours and so then everyone else is free to have their own feelings. How the person responds to your feelings will tell you a lot about them, not just how they consider your feelings, but is a window, however dark it may be, to their own assumptions and desires. Are they kind? Are they open to a relationship? How do they define relationship and how does that fit with yours?
This episode explores the hope for relationship, the feelings that arise, and more, with an eye towards what our shared humanity is trying to tell us in what we finding interesting, desirable, and attractive.
Share this post